I need some help. Many of you know that I am 48 happily married for 27 yrs. We have 4 kids, Chad 25, Sarah 24, Jake 21, Rachel 19. They are great kids. They all live on there own.

To get to the point, I can talk to them all day long about any problems they have. I am there to help them with whatever they need. We communicate well thru any time of crises. Thats is not a problem, however when there isn't a problem and they just come over to hang out or dinner or whatever, They can chat with Mom all night but I don't want to participate in hearing about there day or week! I usually just clam up and ignore them. This is getting upsetting to my wife. She really enjoys chatting with them. But to me it all seems like blah blah blah!

Why cant I just be friends with my kids?

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Hey FF,
I would just go with it, us older guys are most valuable when there is something to repair. Believe me they know it. I always let the people who want to just talk, just talk. I also stay away from the Bla Bla Bla. (its irritating) You have no problem, they know you are a no nonsense kind of guy. Join in occasionally with a little zinger and all will be good.

Hey Fred,

I have a similar, but somewhat different situation. Our daughter just turned 18, graduated from high school this past May. She and here mother talk about EVERYTHING. Most of it, I would just as soon not hear. But, I would like to be able to talk to her about whatever. Usually, with me, it's just, "Can I use the van?"
"Do you have any cash?", etc., etc.

About the only time we do talk, is when her boyfriend is here. He and I have become quite good friends. He is the only one, outside the family, who knows about my "garden".

When she was little, she was always so happy to be with me, but, I guess as they get older, they seem to be closer to their mothers than their fathers. Also, I have had to work odd hours for so many years, that I haven't been around much, when she is.

How do you begin to just chat with the kids? I have no idea. But, one thing I have learned, is that whenever she is here, I listen to whatever she has to say.

I went to a sales seminar, many years ago. One of the things they taught, is that, "if you act enthusiastic, you will be enthusiastic." It sounded really silly/corny, at the time, but I have found over the years, that it does work, with just about any attitude. So, "If you act interested, you will be interested."

My current job is a big pain in the ass, literally. But, I have used this technique and it is much easier to go to work, now.

Try anything you think will work. But, try something. Your kids are the most important people on the planet. Hug them. Even if it seem uncomfortable, to you or them. Hug them. It will get easier. For all of you.

Lest I ramble,

Pappy

well im not 40plus just barely half that lol but my moms in her 40's even tho she has been 34 for yrs now haaa but i know what your talking about from the other end of the problem. you gatta find a common ground with eachother and if u wont it to not only be a parent relationship but also a buddy friend chillin with your pal relationship id sujest finding someing you both love to do. mine and my moms gardening... she isnt into the grown the bud thing but after i spent the day lookin threw her flower beds she has sum really cool plants. my favs r the morning glorys. whod ever thought id give a damn about a flower? well i wouldnt have if it wasnt for my mom being a friend and shown me.... no i gat a freakin vine next to my girl.... acually would be good for camoing the plant outside if i knew it would choke the girl out.... sorry for the rambeling just smoked a biiiiiiiiiiiiiig fatty ;-)

thanks for the fast response! You guys all make valid points and I agree with them. My wifes concern is that the kids dont understand that, and the kids become offeneded and feel unwelcome. I do say hi, and I do kinda listen and add my 2 cents when I feel the need. I am always happy to see them come over usually once a week, But I am also happy to see them go! Its they same way they felt when I was driving truck and gone for 5-6 days. always happy to see me come home, But also happy to see me go!

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For a custom cool Signature Click HERE DO NOT CLICK Unless your cool! LOL!"

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Three things to remember as you age:

1. Never pass by a toilet.
2. Never waste a Hard-on.
3. Never Trust a FART!

(Disclaimer)
By the way, I am a lier and a drunk and I know not what I post! But I am good a copying pictures from other sites!

Hey Fred....I love you Fred, but listen to your wife, she has your best interest at heart. You and I have alot in common, when theres a crisis, I shine, vs dealing with the day to day issues. I come to life, and make fast decisions very well under stress.

It's going to take an active effort on your part in the beginning, but you should do it, make an effort, when they arrive to sit at the table, and listen to them. Listening is an art. After you've digested what was said, make a comment to them. Even if the comment is judt a joke.

When the day comes, and your life is over, and you look back over your life, you can either say:
"I was always there for my kids, when they needed me" or
"I was always there for my kids, when they needed me and when they didn't".

Life isn't about the destination, but rather the trip to getting there is actually more important.

The new relationship that you forge with your family, will be worth it in the end.
Peace

Your lucky in the since you have a couple of boys in there,easier to relate to boys
I was surrounded by girls for 23+ yrs. And now we only see them a couple times a year.
I know what breaks the ice with my girls is saying "Come sit on daddys lap and tell me about your day"
They don't want to,but at least I asked.
Our kids are similar in age 21,24,26
All I can do, is tell them I love em and they can tell me anything(they don't but I tell em anyhow)kids don't understand about the unconditional love of a parent,they wont until they're confronted with it themselves.We as parents can only hope we live to see it.Amazing how when you weren't watching them,they were studying you.If you live a good honest life,chances are your children will also...


Peace
and
Happy Trails

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Aging is GODs way of telling us there's no time to waste...

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OR WAS IT ONLY SMOKING???

Fred, the best ice breaker is to do something with them. Cook a meal on the bbq, play cards, play a game, scrabble, go fishing, go quad driving. Go to a drive in. DO something you can all enjoy. The more you experiance together, the more you will be comfortable with each of them.

My partner and I sat and played dominoes with my daughter and her boyfriend Saturday night. The kids made chocolate sauce with fruit and we talked an laughed together. It was fun.

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j-angel

aka GP purrie kittie attack cat!


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Fred,

Start with the simple things. Find something that you have in common or want to have in common. Talk about the news or the election or anything. It may seem slow or boring at first, however, practice makes perfect. My kids are 23 and 21. My daughter is a school teacher and my son is in his senior year at college. We talk about football games. We talk about her students. We talk about his classes. Believe me, you will grow to appreciate the time spent together.
My dad was killed in service when I was 5. It was my mom and I until she passed away during surgery 4 years ago. I regret that there were things I wanted to say, but we never got around to talking about. Believe me, life sucks when you live with regrets. For your own well being and for your family's, take the time to do this. You may find that you really get to know aspects about your kids that you didn't know.
Peace

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Everything's Relative

Wow fred what a good question..goes straight to my heart

I have two girls 19 and 15...and a similar dynamic....I help with problems, but their moms get the easy chat more often....I can't top the great advice of Pappy Vid and others, but I will tell you a few things that help the situation for me...

It may sound morbid, but I try to remind myself that my time left with my daughters is limited...and unless I live to be 100+ more than half that time is gone already...it give me the tolerance to listen (sometimes quite enjoyably) to tales of the mall (god I hate malls) and clothes and boys

Also though my daughters count on me when they are ready to hear the "hard facts" and find a solution...I try to make sure I find opportunities to slip out of that role...I think Jangels suggestion of doing something nice together can help build that time and space for that.

mostly whatever relationship I have with my daughters I am just happy I have one that on the whole is benificail to them....so many kids don't have that

last thought - ask questions - did you enjoy that? who else was there? do you think you will go out with them again? and try not to give any advice until they ask for it...and even then go easy....kind of ironic considering how often I give advice...the hypocracy is not lost on me.

one more last thought....I think after young girls get over trying to differentiate from mom and start to realize that dad doesn't live on a pedastil...mothers and daughters do grow closer and dad do have to learn how to foster a new kind of relationship...like vid said it is so worth it...and the fact that you are thinking about it bodes well for them and you