Well what really does lie ahead for Med? What inspires me now?WHO inspires me? Inspiration is somewhat in short supply anymore with Med. I sit here and think. Your thoughts and time can be a killer! Especially in hindsight. What does the future hold?
To be quite honest the last week has led me to believe that the future concerning my emotions and sanity suck.
Well what do I do??????????????? I'll tell you exactly what Med does! I get over it and pick myself back up again somehow and dust off and move forward. YES I am in a very sad state but dammit I am not dead yet!
Ya know Life has such a funny and at times cruel way of throwing you "curve balls". We all make our own Beds and have to sleep in them. I'm still trying to find out what that sleep number is??????????????????
Looking back at this whole mess I have came to one very serious conclusion. Hospitals and Doctors pushing so many different kinds of Meds into you to fight something that just wont stop is a logical gamble to most of the world BUT, it comes with a very dear price. It takes as much life if not more than it gives. I have been on so many different and experimental Drugs that I am Lost. This one does this and this one helps the problems that come from taking that and so forth. By the time you are done you are no where near the same person you once were. I just recently watched myself go from a very happy Man full of Love and Dreams and Hope to a completely different person basically overnight! Modern Medicine and Pharmaceutical "dreams" took my dreams away! recently I lost an extremely dear Friend to that very problem plus my dad dying just intensified it all. I Can no longer accept modern Medicine and refuse it and Pharmaceutical Drugs that not only Kill but ruin the person first. My living will is updated and everything is fine. If I go I will go and i'm sure it wont be in my sleep. Not that easy! I keep asking myself where did it all go? A Friend in another post commented "we all get whats coming to us in the end". Oh trust me I'd bet mine is coming!
Truth is I never ever wanted any of this to happen. Its not like I had planned to get sick and just die off without leaving some kind of mark. I never had or will have any Children of my own so this is all I have now. ME! Oh what the hell have I done? See even I dont know!?
I only wanted to be here for knowledge and heck any Friend I met along the way was an added benefit. As it turned out ALL of you became my REAL Friends!
Med needs to seriously find himself again.
Last week while I was in Chicago in a Hospital Bed I lost the real Mark. Now after a short period of detox from severe Pain IVs and Sedatives and such I see things completely different but that is neither here nor there now. Too little too late.
So I think Med is going to get the necessary help to find himself again. I'm sure i'll get mixed opinions on that move but this problem is beyond my capability at this time and before it gets completely out of control I need to get help. I do know this much, when I do get well i'm off to Fiji and I may not ever come back again. Ill claim myself exiled there. Course i'll always have my Laptop for GP purposes.Lol
I love you all and will continue to post and help anyone in need while I am here. That is a Promise!
Love You All And May God Bless You,
Med

__________________

Hey Med! I just got home and couldn't go to bed without checking in GP! Thanks for the honest post! You are in my thoughts and prayers! You are truly an example of a brave man! Peace.

hey mark........its so good to hear from you.......i'm so sorry about your dad....you know ,you have climbed many steep mountains in your life and it seems to me that maybe now is the time to sit down and just feel the breeze......take stock and help yourself instead of trying to help so many others....howevwe you find that help i wish you all the love in the world.....your one of the good guys and you deserve nothing less than the best......

__________________
tracey xxxxxx

NOW GROWIN WW FOR HEALING HEMP OIL!!
http://www.greenpassion.org/f92/hemp...-cancer-13307/
http://www.greenpassion.org/f24/trac...emp-oil-14431/
http://www.greenpassion.org/f92/new-...emp-oil-13367/
http://www.greenpassion.org/f53/gran...-2009-a-16443/

Thank you Mark for sharing your heart and thoughts with us, you have shown such strength throughout all of this, and you continue to as your thoughts are to search for Mark. I was just this morning thinking about life and how it keeps throwing new journeys at us, new trails to travel and how it is at those times I need to search for me again,, who would a thought it would be this way even as I get older... As always my friend, you are in my thoughts and Blessings, Thinking of you in your new travels I feel a lot of peace.... Love ya Med

__________________

We love you Med. You have made a huge impact on a lot of us here at GP. I pray that you get better everyday. Good luck finding yourself, and know that we are here for you.

__________________
No point in mentioning these bats I thought, poor bastard will see them soon enough.

Hey Med (Mark),

Do what is right for you and stay away from their damn poisons. You don't deserve anything brother, we just live this life and try and deal with what is throw at us. I guess the way we handle it defines who we are as people. Sometimes we rise to the occasion and other times we don't, such is life. But we're still alive and with that comes one more chance to either do things right or screw them up one more time. Clear your mind and your soul and get to the place you need to be. There's hope out there, you just have to keep searching for it. I've heard of a lot of very effective alternative therapies, maybe you'll find one that works well for you.

God bless you man and I pray things improve for you all around. Smoke one in Fiji for me brother!

-the Corsican.

__________________
My grow journal: http://www.greenpassion.org/f24/cors...st-grow-15533/

"The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing." - Edmund Burke.

"If at first you don't succeed, it wont hurt to smoke a little weed!"

hay mark.

Hello again my Friends. I am having to go through the dam State to get into an Inpatient setting because my Insurance does not cover Inpatient Psych Treatment. They will cover Evaluations and Outpatient counseling but as I found out the hard way yesterday I have to pre-certify 24 hours before any Hospitalization in order to receieve any coverage.
These circumstances really puzzle me now because they seemed to think I want to harm myself and they still let me walk out of there?????????? They referred me to different outpatient counseling and they will be forwarding my Eval to the State Health Department to wait for an opening in a State facility and that my Friends really bothers me. They said if I was feeling like I wanted to harm myself to go to the nearest ER. I still dont have a clue how to take any of this but I am trying. I swear I am trying as hard as I can to get well again there are just so many things happening in my life and it is very difficult. My thought is lost in this. Many things about me feel lost now. This is the mess I have created for myself! Mark is one very scared Man right now Friends so please help me Pray and find some Peace
I Love You All!
Truly,
Mark/Medicinecloset

__________________

Hi Med.
I just seen this thread. It makes me sad to know how unhappy you are right now. I really dont even know what to say (I know, surprising for a chatter-box). All I can do is send ya some Positive healing vibes your way- along with a prayer! I do pray Mark that you are able to find some peace and comfort in your life. I do hope in some way that things start to look better for ya. Its a great sign that you are aware of the negitive effects all the chemicals are having on your body and soul. I pray you find the middle ground that brings your body and mind some healing. I am sorry to read about your Dad. That is a terrible thing to be dealing with right now. Im sure all this stress is just terrible for you right now, and I wish there was some way I could 'Lighten Your Load'? The only thing I know I can do for you Med is to pray, and wish, and Hope, and Dream that you see brighter days ahead- and FAST! You are in my thoughts and prayers Med, PLZ get better and never loose hope. I feel guilty for saying that, as I have NO CLUE of your pain, or any idea how hard it is to stay strong at such a terrible time, but you are Brave, and Strong, and Compassionate- With a Will to Survive... And that is Good Enough For Me! I have been blessed in more than one way with having you as my friend Mark, so if theres ever anything I can do... Please Let Me KNow!

Happy Healing,
JointGirl

God bless man. Just keep putting one foot in front of the other, cause it sounds like you have good priorities and your compass is true.