A Hard Lesson Learned

the.fatman.cometh

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety....??

WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home.

I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs. AWESOME!!!
Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to her what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right?

There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.

I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with directions in one hand, and taser in another.

The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water.
Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries. All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5' long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and (loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself, 'no possible way!'

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best...?
I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, 'don't do it dipshit,' reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad.
I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and . . . HOLY MOTHER OF GOD . . . WEAPONS OF MASS
DESTRUCTION . . . WHAT THE HELL!!!

I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs?

The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.

Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a taser, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself!
You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A three second burst would be considered conservative?

SON-OF-A-BITCH, THAT HURT LIKE HELL!!!

A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was.
My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs.
I had no control over the drooling. Apparrently I s*** myself, but was too numb to know for sure and my sence of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head which I believe was came from my hair. I'm still looking for my nuts and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!!

P. S. My wife loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it!

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blakeb

man u made me tear up lol your crazy two AAA batteries huh? bet that hurt

ClosetDWC

hahahahahhahahah.......hahahahahahaha....haha...HA that is some Great shit OMG im litterally laughing out load in my office about to pass out im so out of breath .. haha i have a pair of high impact plastic nuckles with 950,000 volts at the tip NEVER would i try them on me! o man you are priceless. im glad your ok now. below is my taser and the add that it had when i bought them.

Blast Knuckles Stun Gun


Curl your fist around 950,000 volts of "shock therapy". The Blast Knuckles Stun Gun has a unique patented design giving you full control of it's awesome power. Sure to become a hit amongst joggers, the grip makes for comfortable fit and even has rubberized coating. There is no sacrificing voltage in Blast Knuckles. It releases close to one million volts. Also features a safety switch and "ready for use" LED indicator plus a momentary button releasing the powerful shock. Includes 2 lithium batteries and a magnetic leather holster.

Attached Images

23PEZAPBK950.jpg (23.1 KB, 8 views)

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Regard,
Closet-DWC

And remember just try and act NORML

ISO2BWELL

Fatman that's the funniest thing I've read in a long time...BWHAHAHAHA!!!

I can just picture you there on the floor...with the cat wondering what the hell happened...

2 little AAA's inside, the circuitry to "ramp up" that big capacitor and it can put out a hellofa jolt!

ISO

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Squirt

That's freakin' hilarious!

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I Never Went To High School... I Went To School High.

justanotherbozo

lol, that sounds positively electrifying

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bozo
peace, love, dope

'it's nice to be important but it's more important to be nice'
Those that give up Liberty to have temporary Security deserve Neither......Benjamin Franklin.
be advised, these are the meanderings of a mad man, completely imaginary and should in no way be taken seriously, especially Leo
my imaginary garden
http://www.greenpassion.org/f22/newbie-cfl-hydro-experiment-5525/
http://www.greenpassion.org/f15/chea...-results-5593/
http://boards.cannabis.com/

green_nobody

chrome and silver polishing paste - the super fine one and a dremel with polishing disk (felt wheel) and this will be gone in a minute

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Keep the gun oiled and the thumb green!

http://www.pch.gc.ca/progs/cpsc-ccsp...Canada-eng.MP3

hearmenow

LMFAO!!! This was frigging hilarious!!! Reminds me of when we were kids and my older brother for God-knows-what-reason decided to chew on my dad's electric shaver cord that was plugged into the socket but not into the shaver. I swear I saw blue arcs over his head before he dropped to the floor. LOL.

Fatman, I've actually been thinking of buying the Mrs one of these. Either that or a revolver. Serial killer apparently on the loose down here.

tokecrazy

Fatman my firend,I laugh till tears ran down my face and my belly hurts.You made one good choice out of three, and that was not to try it on the cat.First wrong was doing yourself,now you know why somebody else shock you when they show it on TV.But you did go and give it to her,I dont think I would make her mad,not now no.I bet you got the good battery too not the cheap ones that run out fast.I'am still hurting from laughing so hard.She is a member here she's going to find out about the microwave.
Peace

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Anything I may say or do is stickly for entertainment only.This is all make believe and is not To believe by me or anyone