GreenPassion.org - Dedicated to Medicinal Cannabis Cultivation and Education - Jokes and Comedy

Pregnant lady.

McBong — Fri, 20 Nov 2009 16:12:47 GMT

ACTUAL AUSTRALIAN COURT DOCKET 12659 CASE OF THE PREGNANT LADY

A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her.
She immediately moved to another seat.
This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. The man seemed more amused.
When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.
The case came up in court. The judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself. The man replied, "Well your Honor, it was like this: When the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition.
She sat under a sweets sign that said, "The Double Mint Twins are coming!" and I grinned.
Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, "Logan's Liniment will reduce the swelling", and I had to smile.
Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said, "William's Big Stick Did the Trick", and I could hardly contain myself.
BUT, your Honor, when she moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said,
"Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident"... I just lost it."

Peace

McBong

Manners

McBong — Fri, 20 Nov 2009 16:10:20 GMT

During a good manners and etiquette class, the teacher says to her students: "If you were courting a well educated young girl from a prominent family and during a dinner for two you needed to go to the toilet, what would you say to her?"
Mike replies: Wait a minute. I'm going for a piss.
The teacher says: "That would be very rude and improper on your part."
Johnny replied: "I'm sorry I need to go to the toilet. I'll be back in a minute."
The teacher says: "That's much better but to mention the word 'toilet' during a meal, is unpleasant."
And Charlie says: "My dear, please excuse me for a moment. I have to go shake hands with a personal friend, whom, I hope, to be able to introduce to you after dinner."

The teacher passed out.

Boom boom

girls fart too

Sprocket — Fri, 20 Nov 2009 01:19:59 GMT

heh heh heh, saw this and had to post it

to funny

Lee — Thu, 19 Nov 2009 23:12:13 GMT

Cowboy in heaven

SMoKaLoTaPoT — Wed, 18 Nov 2009 16:11:35 GMT

St peter meets a cowboy at the pearly gates & asks him to describe a time where he was above the call of duty!
Cowboy says he came across this gang of bikers trying to attack a woman & the cowboy told Peter he walked up to the biggest most tatoo'd biker & smashed him to the ground & tore out his nose ring & threw it on the ground kicked over his bike & said to the rest of the bikers "who wants to be next"
St.Peter - "wow when did this happen"
Cowboy - "A few minutes ago"
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Nice hat!

4maggio — Tue, 17 Nov 2009 14:54:42 GMT

ACORN cap with the nut still attached

Fun with Sound Bits & Comdey Rock

SMoKaLoTaPoT — Tue, 17 Nov 2009 02:50:15 GMT

Heres a few from very famous comedy albums....& Movies Quotes & Alternative & Comady rock
Enjoy!

A personal Mantra from a "Childs Garden of Grass"
zSHARE - Comedy - 192 - Une Yellyman.mp3

National Lampoon "Floor Excersises"
zSHARE - National Lampoon - Floor Excersises.mp3

Big Lebowski - "The Dude"
zSHARE - Movie Quotes - The Big Lebowski - I_m The Dude.mp3

Bill Murray - "Dali Lama Speech"
zSHARE - Movie Quotes - Caddyshack - Dalai Lama Speech.mp3

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Heres some very rare tracks , Some from radio stations & others from actual bands!
You won't find these from any P2P network (unless you upload them)

Mr Rogers
"Interview With A Bass Player"
zSHARE - Mr Rogers - Interview With A Bass Player.mp3
"Cat Scratch Fever"
zSHARE - Mr Rogers - 192 - Cat Scratch Fever.mp3
"Iron Man"
zSHARE - Mr Rogers - 192 - Iron Man.mp3
& "The Monks - I Can Do Anything You Like"
zSHARE - Monks - 192 - I Can Do Anything You Like.mp3

This next one was done by Chicago radio dj - Steve Dahl
did about m"Gacy" & - leave them kids alone (Another kid in the crawl)
zSHARE - Steve Dahl - 128 - Another Kid in the Crawl _Hey Gacey_ RARE.mp3
William Shatner - "Has Been"
zSHARE - William Shatner - 192 - Has Been.mp3
Dead Milkmen - "Look What The Queers Are Doing To The Soil"
zSHARE - Dead Milkmen - 128 - What the Queers Are Doing to the Soil.mp3
Bob Newhart - "Nobody Will Ever Play Baseball"
zSHARE - Bob Newhart - 128 - Nobody Will Ever Play Baseball.mp3

"A Child's Garden To Grass - ENTIRE LP!
(thats a 33 1/3 rd to all the younger readers)
Side A (18:53L)
http://www.zshare.net/audio/685930080691e338/
Side B(18:33L) - 128 brt
zSHARE - A Childs Garden of Grass - _side 2_.mp3

:rain: Actually there is nothing finer than walking in the bush during a rainstorm!
I was "refreshed today so it was a good day
I'll finish off with a band called "Was Not Was"
Heres "Dad I'm in Jail"
zSHARE - Was Not Was - 320 - Dad I_m In Jail.mp3
& Godday !

CFNY ID
zSHARE - CFNY - 102 The Spirit of Radio _main_.mp3

Jordan Peele from MadTV

v0ssman — Mon, 16 Nov 2009 21:50:02 GMT

Hes one of my favorites in the modern cast and does some great skits based off of real reports. Heres my favorite 3

And

George Has Shingles

4maggio — Mon, 16 Nov 2009 13:01:59 GMT

George had shingles.

Those of us who spend much time in a doctor's office should appreciate this! Doesn't it seem more and more that physicians are running their practices like an assembly line?

Here's what happened to George:

George walked into a doctor's office and the receptionist asked him what he had. George said: 'Shingles.' So she wrote down his name, address, medical insurance number and told him to have a seat.

Fifteen minutes later a nurse's aide came out and asked George what he had.
George said, 'Shingles.' So she wrote down his height, weight, a complete medical history and told George to wait in the examining room.

A half hour later a nurse came in and asked George what he had. George said, 'Shingles..' So the nurse gave George a blood test, a blood pressure test, an electrocardiogram, and told George to take off all his clothes and wait for the doctor.

An hour later the doctor came in and found George sitting patiently in the nude and asked George what he had.

George said, 'Shingles.' The doctor asked, 'Where?'
George said, 'Outside on the truck. Where do you want me to unload 'em??'

Robin Williams-Live at The Met-Alcohol & Marijuana

Sprocket — Sun, 15 Nov 2009 20:05:17 GMT

i myself do not drink, except for at very few social functions.
alcohol interferes with my training, so it is a no no for me.
cannabis on the other hand, is WAY different. i actually prefer to blaze before a routine. you can really focus on the individual muscle groups and have really good form because of it. it just makes it easier it seems.

anyways, this video is hilarious, IMO. my side hurts from laughing so hard. :D:

Bla Bla Bla & a good laugh

SMoKaLoTaPoT — Sun, 15 Nov 2009 14:50:58 GMT

High All Too bad some folks take life in an abrupt manor & never set aside the time for pleasant simple things in life to just ENJOY!!
Thats why a HOOT is a good thing!
It can relaxes you & helps with memory lapses as well as calms those who are easily agitated! I always beleived if the whole world smoked no-one would want to start wars.........So what has mankind learned....."Kings "don't workout....nor "DICtaters" or "Idealology".So we as a peoples have figured that much out but now the followings have switched to "RACE"
Seems to be the bug to work out!Notice the wars have become smaller (& thats a good thing)
Thats why I'm glad to be Canadian as no mater where in the world anyone comes from they are just treated like us people here!
Now if the UN would put the problem nations into "the penalty box"
where no goods get in & no goods get out & cut off all reliefs untill they can conduct them selves as a world nation they would work it out in a hurry (has to be a culling of the herd......but now its internal)
The world isin't too far away from a global peace ..& these small Skirmishes
through out the world are more like a bad commercial more than a global event.I feel so sorry for those that got dragged to Iraqi........
The only noble thing that could be said for Jean Creiton was Telling Bush to cram it! Now the USA drains their earthly cow!
Mr Obama has knocked the USA down a notch as more peacefull solutions are a better approch..Hey we got a drip for a PM!

Just a few laughs for ya!

O Dweeds
zSHARE - Video - O Dweeds.wmv

Dr Quest explains things
zSHARE - Dr Quest.avi

Scooby & Shaggy Get Busted!
zSHARE - Harvey Birdman - 03 - Shaggy Busted.avi

& Flinstones meet Sopranos
zSHARE - Harvey Birdman - Fred Soprano clip.avi

Heres the best definition of the word "Irony" in video.
zSHARE - Big Lebowski - Sex offender.avi

BBC in Iraqi
zSHARE - Video - BBCinIraq.wmv

Government Employee
zSHARE - Video - GovernmentEmployee.wmv

Employee Orientation
zSHARE - Harvey Birdman - 311 - Sebben and Sebben Employee Orientation _Moonsong_.avi

our friends...

DaZ — Sat, 14 Nov 2009 14:59:53 GMT

our friends animals....
always faithful, always present and often Fun !

This just ain't gonna be your day

smoking Joe — Thu, 12 Nov 2009 20:51:39 GMT

While walking through Golden Gate Park in San Francisco , a man came upon another man hugging a tree with his ear firmly against the tree.

Seeing this he inquired, 'Just out of curiosity, what the heck are you doing?'

'I'm listening to the music of the tree,' the other man replied.

'You've gotta be kiddin' me.'

['No, would you like to give it a try?'

Understandably curious, the man says, 'Well, OK...' So he wrapped his arms around the tree and pressed his ear up against it.

With this, the other guy slapped a pair of handcuffs on him, took his wallet, jewelery, car keys, then stripped him naked and left.

Two hours later another nature lover strolled by, saw this guy handcuffed to the tree stark naked, and asked,
'What the heck happened to you?'

He told the guy the whole terrible story about how he got there.

When he finished telling his story, the other guy shook his head in sympathy, walked around behind him, kissed him gently behind

The ear and said, 'This just ain't gonna be your day, cupcake...'

Ok so I know i'ts not a joke but.............

WhoDaThoughtIt — Thu, 12 Nov 2009 12:51:54 GMT

I laughed my ass off when i saw this !!!!!!!

Robin Williams on the origins of golf

Sprocket — Thu, 12 Nov 2009 11:38:04 GMT

this is one of my favorite segments from my favorite Robin Williams stand up, Live on Broadway 2001. i know it's older, but it is classic, IMO, and always gives me a chuckle.

i thought i'd share. it's also kind a for our scottish members here. hi traceydm! McBong! :D:

there is some cursing, so it isn't work safe.

How Kurt Russell Plants in Soil

Lumix — Thu, 12 Nov 2009 04:25:35 GMT

How Kurt Russell Plants in Soil :)
DropShots.com

How to get arrested for pot!

jack_millions — Mon, 09 Nov 2009 07:46:13 GMT

Oregon Man Calls 911 to Report Pot Missing then gets Arrested for Drunk Driving | StaunchUSA

Quote:

Oregon Man Calls 911 to Report Pot Missing then gets Arrested for Drunk Driving

Oregon police have charged a man with drunk driving after he called 911 to report his marijuana as stolen but the dispatcher couldn�t understand him because he was vomiting while on the road.

Marion County sheriff�s deputies say 21-year-old Calvin Hoover, of Salem, told dispatchers early Tuesday that someone had broken into his truck and stolen cash, a jacket and a small amount of marijuana while he was at a tavern in Salem.

He then called 911 again to complain that deputies had not arrived, but the dispatcher had trouble understanding Hoover because he was driving and stopping several times to vomit.

He was arrested on charges of driving under the influence of intoxicants.
A Salem phone number listed for a Calvin Hoover had been disconnected.

Why men shouldn't be allowed to retire

Charlie Foxtrot — Sat, 07 Nov 2009 06:16:22 GMT

After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Target. Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out.. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women -she loves to browse. Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Target.

Dear Mrs. Alexander

Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store..
Our complaints against your husband, Mr. J.Hudson are listed below and
are documented by our video surveillance cameras.

1. June 15:
Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts
when they weren't looking.

2. July 2:
Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. July 7:
He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.

4. July 19:
Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away! This caused the employee to leave
her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that
in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose
time and costing the company money.

5. August 4:
Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.

6. August 14:
Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. August 15:
Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers
he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the
bedding department to which twenty children obliged.

8. August 23:
When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and
screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' Police were
called.

9. September 4:
Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he
picked his nose.

10. September 10:
While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk
where the antidepressants were.

11. October 3:

Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the 'Mission
Impossible' theme.

12. October 6:
In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look' by using
different sizes of funnels.

13. October 18:
Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK
ME! PICK ME!'

14. October 21:
When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal
position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'

And last, but not least:

15. October 23:
Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, then yelled
very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.'

One of the clerks passed out.

It's not cheating.........

SomeDude — Fri, 06 Nov 2009 13:23:56 GMT

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Love story

smoking Joe — Thu, 05 Nov 2009 14:56:53 GMT

Love Story

I will seek and find you.
I shall take you to bed and have my way with you.

I will make you ache, shake & sweat until you moan & groan.

I will make you beg for mercy, beg for me to stop.

I will exhaust you to the point that you will be relieved when I'm finished with you.

And, when I am finished, you will be weak for days.

All my love,

The Flu

Now get your mind out of the gutter and go get your flu shot!

Dear Abby....LOL!

jangel — Wed, 04 Nov 2009 18:16:15 GMT

DEAR ABBY ADMITTED SHE WAS AT A LOSS TO ANSWER THE FOLLOWING:

Dear Abby,
A couple of women moved in across the hall from me. One is a middle-aged gym teacher and the other is a social worker in her mid twenties.
These two women go everywhere together and I've never seen a man go into or leave their apartment.
Do you think they could be Lebanese?

Dear Abby,
I've suspected that my husband has been fooling around, and when confronted with the evidence, he denied everything and said it would never happen again.

Dear Abby,
Our son writes that he is taking Judo. Why would a boy who was raised in a good Christian home turn against his own?

Dear Abby,
I joined the Navy to see the world. I've seen it. Now how do I get out?

Dear Abby,
My forty year old son has been paying a psychiatrist $50.00 an hour every week for two and a half years. He must be crazy.

Dear Abby,
I was married to Bill for three months and I didn't know he drank until one night he came home sober.

Dear Abby,
My mother is mean and short tempered I think she is going through mental pause.

Dear Abby,
You told some woman whose husband had lost all interest in sex to send him to a doctor. Well, my husband lost all interest in sex and he is a doctor. Now what do I do?

Dear Abby,
I am a twenty-three year old liberated woman who has been on the pill for two years. It's getting expensive and I think my boyfriend should share half the cost, but I don't know him well enough to discuss money with him.

Remember, these people can vote!

Old Timers' Sex ~ Read if you dare!

jangel — Wed, 04 Nov 2009 17:47:19 GMT

Old Timers Sex

The husband leans over and asks
his wife,

'Do you remember the first time
we had sex together over fifty
years ago?We went behind the
village tavern where you leaned
against the back fence and I
made love to you.'

'Yes', she says, 'I remember it
well.'

'OK,' he says, 'How about taking
a stroll around there again and we
can do it for old time's sake?'

'Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds
like a crazy, but good idea!'

A police officer sitting in the next
booth heard their conversationand,
having a chuckle to himself, he
thinks to himself, I've got to see
these two old-timers having sex
against a fence. I'll just keep an
eye on them so there's no trouble.
So he follows them.

The elderly couple walks haltingly
along, leaning on each other for
support aided by walking sticks..

Finally, they get to the back of the
tavern and make their way to the
fence..The old lady lifts her skirt
and the old man drops his trousers.
As she leans against the fence, the
old man moves in..
Then suddenly they erupt into the
most furious sex that the policeman
has ever seen.This goes on for about
ten minutes while both are making
loud noisesand moaning and screaming.
Finally, they both collapse, panting
on the ground.

The policeman is amazed.

He thinks he has learned something
about life and old age that he didn't
know.

After about half an hour of lying
on the ground recovering, the old
couple struggles to their feet and puts
their clothes back on.The policeman
is still watching and thinks to himself,
this is truly amazing, I've got to ask
them what their secret is.

So, as the couple passes, he says
to them, 'Excuse me, but that was
something else.You must've had a
fantastic sex life together.Is there
some sort of secret to this?'

Shaking, the old man is barely able
to reply.........

'Fifty years ago that wasn't an
electric fence.'

maxine.gif

The men are bad ???

DaZ — Thu, 29 Oct 2009 15:34:45 GMT

-NO !

The men are large players ...
smhug.gif
The men are of large children ...
smhug.gif
& 1 little horrific...

Respect &
Humor !

(sorry for the Ladies...)

PEACE,
Daz
flyingsmiley.gif

FCC releases revised list

Sprocket — Thu, 29 Oct 2009 00:25:11 GMT

of words and phrases that can no longer be said on television. the list only pertains to network television, while premium cable channels still follow the original guidelines.

for those of you that are curious as to what the words are, here is the list:

****
*************
*******
**
********
****
******
*** ** **** *****
and my personal favorite:
**** my ***** is really ******* *** ***

Schwarzenegger tells CA legislators: "F U"

jack_millions — Wed, 28 Oct 2009 20:36:29 GMT

Spot the hidden message?

If you can't click on this link http://www.wired.com/images_blogs/th.../10/1027fu.jpg NSFW

Ahh politics.

I Snorted Coke 40 Feet From Obama at DC Dinner

jack_millions — Sat, 24 Oct 2009 23:30:42 GMT

I Snorted Coke 40 Feet From Obama at DC Dinner: Actor - Politics News Summaries | Newser

Quote:

Snorted Coke 40 Feet From Obama at DC Dinner: Actor

David Cross, of Arrested Development fame, says he did it on a dare

We’ve all done silly stuff on a dare, but probably not on the level of actor/author/comic/crazy guy David Cross, who says he snorted cocaine not 40 feet from President Obama at the White House Correspondents' Dinner (not, for the record, held at the White House). With cabinet secretaries, Supreme Court justices and his “fancy Hollywood actress” girlfriend Amber Tamblyn all in the house, the Arrested Development star … well, let’s hear it from him: “It’s crazy and there’s security, Secret Service is standing there,” Cross, 45, said during a stand-up performance last night. “I’ve got photos of all this. … I’m there and the president is right here and with all these people at the table,” he did the deed. “Maybe 40 feet from the president of the United States!”

420 Punk Radio Comedy show - "Sex , Cannabis and Rock N Roll

SomeDude — Fri, 23 Oct 2009 18:04:22 GMT

This is an email I had received from our contact form.

Code:

On October 30th at 11pm eastern time I will be premiering my 420 Punk Radio Comedy show. We are themed "Sex , Drug, & Rock N Roll ", but truth be told the word drugs could be substituted for Cannabis. I use to work as a writer for High Times and I have worked on the Medical Cannabis issues since Proposition 215. I hope we can promote our show to your wonderful site. 

  

Contact me and let me know. 

  Max Random

  www.420punk.com

We are going to podcast each program as well. I will also be broadcasting a plug for your website during our show. I would greatly appreciate your feedback after listening. I have wanted to do this show for a while and I think it will be very unique. All help is greatly appreciated. We have no sponsors or advertising so i'm footing the bills to give this a try. I have some great people signed on as co-host and a lot of comedians are stopping by locally from time to time.
Send me a radio spot for your site as you would like to hear it.
Thanks so much for the help!
MAX

If you have any questions about this new radio show, contact max --> maxrandom at 420punk dot com